IF IT WORKS, DON'T TOUCH IT(27/09/2007)
Aquest article no està traduït al català; es mostra la seva versió en anglès
On the endless offers to enlarge penises.
CATALONIA TODAY – SECTION: LONG-TERM RESIDENT - ARTICLE SIXTY-NINE
In the whole wide world, there is now not a single man, woman or child with an internet connection, who has not been asked if he or she would like his or her penis enlarged. Most people - excepting those sad gentlemen who really believe that a modified todger will bring a permanent ray of sunshine into their lives - automatically consign these johnson-obsessed inducements to the trash.
Recently, however, these messages have been getting increasingly close to the bone. The other day I was informed personally ('Morning matthewtree') by one Panzaru Marchetti that his 'cock' was 'soooo big now, thanks to these doctors'. This is far more information than I require, given that I have never been the slightest bit curious about the phallic status of even my closest male friends, let alone that of a pseudonymous stranger.
The next schlong-orientated message turned out to be a good deal more personal, at least at first sight. A certain Moose Foluke was itching to find out: 'Did you ever ask yourself is my penis big enough?'. At first, I thought it bizarre that Mr Foluke assumed I would be concerned about the size of his manhood, until it dawned on me that, like so many people with large ones, he had lost the ability to punctuate. Put a colon or a comma in the middle of the sentence, though, and it becomes clear that it is my own wang he is referring to. The answer to this question, Moose, is most definitely no. Those of us belonging to the pre-pornography generation know that it's not what you have, it's what you do that counts. OK, MF? My apologies, by the by, to readers who find this a distasteful subject. I just fancied playing about a bit with my own column, this being its sixty-ninth appearance in Catalonia Today.